I am prone to suggestions. I am also prone, in the last 10 months to depressive and anxious episodes of which I have little control.

I have felt great the last four days. And the reason I have felt great is because for the first time in two weeks I felt normal; not super, great, wonderful happy, just normal. And it was really nice. Today I ran into my rapist on the bus. It was much easier having already confronted him but as I sat there, I got more and more panicky. I freaked out and as soon as he and his 10 years junior girlfriend got off I started to cry. And when I got off the bus I cried harder and harder. I feel like shit again. And the waves of normal and depressed are tearing me down and kicking my ass. I'm feeling more and more alone and more and more helpless.

In three more weeks I will be seeing my new doctor and hopefully she will be referring me to a therapist. This whole issue brings up a lot of thoughts with me. Medication of society; depression prevalence in women; normalcy in feelings and thoughts...and many more. I'm not in the head space to really tackle them right now, this is more of an outlet post.

A few months ago at the women's centre I was reading the Newsletter and there was an article by a woman close to my age who was diagnosed with depression. She sounded a lot like me, one of those, 'last person you would expect to be depressed' types. Obviously it struck a chord, but it's only recently that I've been exploring the idea that I really have a problem and one that is affecting my relationships. This scares me a lot but at the same time I want someone to tell me what the problem is so I know I'm not crazy. I've spent a greater part of the last 10 months convincing myself that everyone feels this way but it's becoming quite clear that everyone does not, at least not to this extent. *sigh*

The worst part of it all is feeling like you can't say a damned thing to your friends because they'll think you're 'over-dramatizing' everything or just vying for attention. I'm scared to tell them how rough this time is for me until someone can tell me what's going on in my head.