I am prone to suggestions. I am also prone, in the last 10 months to depressive and anxious episodes of which I have little control.

I have felt great the last four days. And the reason I have felt great is because for the first time in two weeks I felt normal; not super, great, wonderful happy, just normal. And it was really nice. Today I ran into my rapist on the bus. It was much easier having already confronted him but as I sat there, I got more and more panicky. I freaked out and as soon as he and his 10 years junior girlfriend got off I started to cry. And when I got off the bus I cried harder and harder. I feel like shit again. And the waves of normal and depressed are tearing me down and kicking my ass. I'm feeling more and more alone and more and more helpless.

In three more weeks I will be seeing my new doctor and hopefully she will be referring me to a therapist. This whole issue brings up a lot of thoughts with me. Medication of society; depression prevalence in women; normalcy in feelings and thoughts...and many more. I'm not in the head space to really tackle them right now, this is more of an outlet post.

A few months ago at the women's centre I was reading the Newsletter and there was an article by a woman close to my age who was diagnosed with depression. She sounded a lot like me, one of those, 'last person you would expect to be depressed' types. Obviously it struck a chord, but it's only recently that I've been exploring the idea that I really have a problem and one that is affecting my relationships. This scares me a lot but at the same time I want someone to tell me what the problem is so I know I'm not crazy. I've spent a greater part of the last 10 months convincing myself that everyone feels this way but it's becoming quite clear that everyone does not, at least not to this extent. *sigh*

The worst part of it all is feeling like you can't say a damned thing to your friends because they'll think you're 'over-dramatizing' everything or just vying for attention. I'm scared to tell them how rough this time is for me until someone can tell me what's going on in my head.

5 Things Feminism Has Done For Me

1) Feminism has allowed me to confront my rapist.

2) Feminism has allowed me to pursue the education of my choice, that being Sociology specializing in women's issues and Women's Studies.

3) Feminism has made me conscious of the issues of people around the world and in my own backyard.

4) Feminism has given me the courage to be myself and feel confident about that.

5) Feminism has allowed me to feel independent and strong enough to live my life.

I was going to do "things this week" but it's been a weird few weeks and I have a bad cold. These were easier to think of.


A few days ago I had a great long post concerning Status of Women Canada but blogspot ate most of it. Hopefully I'll be feeling better tomorrow and can re-post. More people need to know about this issue so we can turn it around.

Quitter

Just before thanksgiving I quit vegetarianism after 8 months.

My main reason being I am just too damn tired. I have trouble seperating vegetarianism from activism in my head. Now, with the way things were going; university, two jobs, boyfriend, rape counselling, family problems, and general extra-curricular activism, I just felt it was too much.

Amazingly, I actually feel much better. This is odd because it wasn't as though being a vegetarian was a huge inconvenience. There weren't even really times where I wanted to eat meat, that is until I thought about my mom's turkey. Right now I'm fairly satisfied to keep my meat content down.

I found it disconcerting though, that in order to calm myself, I had to cut out something which did feel important to me. I hate that I cannot spread myself any thinner. Although in retrospect, I know it's not as important to me as I thought it was. I will however, continue to eat ethically. That is, eating little meat, and the meat I do consume I will try to ensure is both organic and ethically treated which is not so hard nowadays.

I have a serious tendency to take on far too many tasks and stressing myself out. Three weeks ago I was working two jobs, taking full time classes, not sleeping due to rape issues, not sleeping due to family issues, working for the CDA, working for the Maestro project, going to sexual assault counselling, and had a boyfriend.

As of this Tuesday I am working two jobs (total 15 hours a week), taking full time classes, sleeping, working for the CDA and Maestro project, stopped counselling and have no boyfriend. The weight off my shoulders is so relaxing. I am no longer a stressed, basket case (mainly due to having confronted my rapist).

The point of this opening post, you ask? Take the time to remember that the world doesn't belong on your shoulders. Reflect on the tasks you've given yourself and see if they're all necessary. And if you have something that you know is the right time to get off your shoulders, do it.

We often forget that we're the only ones who know how to keep ourselves sane.